Everyone has something to share or at least everyone feels that they have something to share. For as long as I can remember, communication experts, from Dale Carnegie onwards, have stressed the importance of listening. We are told that a good listener is a better friend, a better colleague and, presumably, a better human being. All very true. But I have come to realise that listening is more than simply being a good person. It can actually be quite useful. I have started to listen more and talk less.
People who have some substance to what they say can provide me with some really good thoughts and ideas. Listening to them makes a lot of sense. There are elderly people who have seen much of the world, and there are remarkably well-read teenagers who have seen very little of it but have read about almost everything. There are people deeply inclined towards religion and others who favour atheism. There are people who swear by traditional ways of doing things and others who want to reinvent everything. If I keep quiet and listen, I get to hear all these different points of view. I don’t necessarily have to agree with any of them.
Then there are people who are rather more self-absorbed. They may not have anything particularly substantial to offer, but talking about themselves, their ideas and their suggestions gives them a tremendous moral boost. Who am I to deprive them of that small pleasure? So I let them talk. Listening makes them feel that they have had a good conversation, and everyone goes home reasonably happy.
The less I talk, the better it is for me too. I can keep my thoughts to myself and, on occasion the evil me can even gloat quietly. Recently, I heard someone explain at considerable length how he had ordered the latest insanely expensive jacket and when it was expected to arrive. Another told me how he had decided to spray his entire garden with insecticide after spotting a couple of aphids on one plant even though this was the garden from which he and his family ate their vegetables. Someone else enthusiastically praised a minister and his party for the wonderful work they were doing, totally ignoring the less wonderful subject of rampant corruption. Yet another person proudly described his latest phone purchase and how he had been among the first to buy it. I kept my thoughts to myself.
There is a familiar line in Hollywood films, usually said by a police officer while handcuffing a suspect: ‘Anything you say may be used against you.’ They have been saying it for ages. I am beginning to realise that there is some truth in it. It is very easy for people to misunderstand your words, change their meaning or repeat them in a way you never intended. And it is not very pleasant to hear your own words being used against you. So, once again, I feel it is better to talk less and listen more. The less I say, the less there is for others to misunderstand.
There are exceptions, of course. If someone specificaly asks for my opinion, I try to give it in as few words as possible and, hopefully, with a reasonably clear idea behind them. I like to listen. Not everyone likes to listen, however, and over the years I have developed the art of saying less. It saves explanations, arguments and, occasionally goodwill.
The same applies to my own ideas and plans. I listen to what everyone has to say. I have heard all sorts of advice about homestays, orchards, making money, gardening, and even local politics. I listen, nod occasionally and then quietly go and do what I think is right. In through one ear and out through the other, without disrespect and without the need to argue with anyone. There is little point in explaining your entire thought process to someone who merely wanted to give you theirs.
Another reason why I enjoy living in the hills. There is enough time here to listen – to traditional songs, to birds, to the wind moving through the trees, and sometimes to absolutely nothing at all.
An extension of listening is the way we consume information. There is mass media, where I mostly listen or read and have no opportunity to interrupt the person on the other side. Then there is social media, where conversations are supposed to be two-way. However, these conversations seem more about assertion and validation. Everyone is correcting everyone else. Everyone has a fact, an opinion or a correction ready before the other person has finished typing.
Thankfully, I can still listen to the radio or a podcast. If I don’t like what I hear, I simply switch it off. There is no need to explain to the presenter why he is wrong. Books are similar. I think reading is another form of listening. A good reader listens without interrupting. If you can listen without constantly feeling the need to put your own ideas into the conversation, you can probably read well too and learn a great deal along the way.
So, when do I talk? Well, I try not to stop listening. Even when I am talking, I try to listen to the other person. I am not one of those people who, once given a microphone, carries on regardless of whether anyone is still listening. I write blogs instead. Anyone who wants to read them can do so in peace, and there is no microphone to wrestle away from me.
When someone actually seeks my help, I talk. But even then I try to keep in mind what matters to the other person rather than simply unloading everything I happen to know. Recently, during an ongoing garden consultation, I was explaining soil improvement. I had got into the usual details – perlite, vermiculite, cocopeat, coconut fibre and all the other things that can make a perfectly innocent planter sound like a chemistry laboratory. Halfway through, I realised that the person sitting opposite me was listening purely out of politeness. There was absolutely no interest in the finer role of perlite or vermiculite in improving a small planter. So I stopped. I simply explained that potting soil should be chosen according to the plants being grown and that, for most people, the easiest solution is to buy a good ready-to-use potting mix suitable for those plants. Much better. The plants would survive, and so would the goodwill.
Listening also teaches me to listen between the lines. Words are only one part of a conversation. There are expressions, pauses, gestures, body language, changes in tone and all those little hesitations that tell you something which the actual words may not. Sometimes a person says one thing while everything else about them is saying something quite different. The real benefit of listening is that it gives one access to other people’s experiences, ideas and ways of looking at the world. Some of it is useful, some amusing, some completely ridiculous and occasionally, something makes one stop and rethink own view.
And if nothing useful comes of the conversation, there is always the offer of tea. In the hills here, that is usually a perfectly respectable reason to have listened in the first place.
Click here for all related posts – Browse my blog on slow and sustainable living !
